I never know how to write about teams or players I like. I could write 2,500 words about Albert Pujols in 20 minutes, literally breaking Mavis Beacon’s records along the way, and none of it would feel cohesive or poetic in the old fashioned way of the days when you had to read writers sportsmen to see a swing.
If I were to describe the mechanics of The Machine today, it would be different from its first stint in St. Louis. During that first round with the Red Birds, he threw offers like someone had yelled “Pull” when the pitcher brought out the baseball that was soon to be in the stands. The current iteration reminds me of a beer-bellied professional softball hitter, making sure to get the girth and launch angle behind the bat. He’s a powerful puncher with enough remaining physique and old-man strength to knock balls off the court like 45-year-old George Foreman who knocked out Michael Moorer.
If you’re done pleasing me and haven’t watched the highlights on loop like I did, Pujols beat homers No. 699 and No. 700 at Dodger Stadium on Friday night. The first, a two-run shot, came in the top of the third inning on a 1-2 count by Andrew Heaney which he crushed from 434 feet.
With two in the very next inning, Albert had more than enough of reliever Phil Bickford’s pitch to make it home run number 700. (St. Louis won 11-0.)
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Pujols joins Barry Bonds, Babe Ruth and Hank Arron in the 700 club, and he has done so with a tireless work ethic, a lumberjack swing and the consistency of a tool they no longer make like before. It was the 21st anniversary of the three-time MVP of an enchanted season.
The 2022 home runs – Aaron Judge’s pursuit of the AL home run record and Pujols trying to get 700 before the buzzer on his career – didn’t captivate sports fans the way Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire did. made in 1998. We’re too jaded for that, and no one is naive enough to happily ignore scientifically improbable achievements.
When McGwire reached number 62, I ran outside and found my dad walking the dog to tell him what had happened. I don’t remember what he said or anything else because I was 12. However, I remember the euphoria that washed over me.
I got a bit of that Friday night with news of Pujols’ exploits, watching the ESPN app refresh, then searching Twitter for highlights. It wasn’t as satisfying as when I was in college and honestly every fan outside of St. Louis and New York can’t wait for the Cardinals and Yankees diehards to shut up about it already, but coming of age- grown-ass eyes fogged up for the past is what baseball is best at.
Hey, the loss of innocence isn’t so bad. I can at least celebrate this record breaking moment with a glass (or two) of dark liquor.
Hey, Apple+ TV or whatever you call it, go chew a pebble
If anyone wants to file an easily dismissable lawsuit over what the heck MLB did to its biggest regular season moment in years, let me know how I can help. The tech company could have missed the historic two calls had Judge hit No. 61 against Boston in the service’s first doubleheader on Friday night. (St. Louis-LA was the last drink.)
Fuck you, Ted Lasso. Post desirable content more than twice a decade, and I won’t cancel your shitty service. I’m not mad at the faceless announcer who had the privilege of calling those two home runs. Apple put it in an impossible position, and it didn’t do a horrible job.
Baseball fans irrationally love their team’s stands. All St. Louis fans wanted was the voice of John Rooney or Dan McLaughlin on that highlight. Instead, I had to scour the internet for ages to find it.
Here’s Rooney’s call if you want it.
I would have integrated that call up there, but if I have to watch it come into the world that way, so will you.